Organization helps the parents of gays

By Tony Ledwell

Associated Press writer

SAN FRANCISCO David Kopay, a 10-year veteran of the National Football League, told his parents he had decided to come out of the closet and join the gay civil rights movement. It was a conversation of anger and tears.

Kopay said his father, threatening to kill him, asked bitterly, "Who the hell do you think you are?”

That emotional drama has been repeated in thousands of American families: a wrenching moment when parents discover their son or daughter is a homosexual.

For most of the estimated 10 million gay Americans, disclosing their life-style to their parents is a painful rite of transition.

For the parents, it is an equally difficult time. Many of them may have suspected for years; a lot of

them never wanted it confirmed, and most were shocked or at least disappointed.

"Telling your parents that you are gay violates their expectations," said Dr. Charles Silverstein, a New York psychologist. "They become lonely and confused. They don't know where to go for information."

Betty Fairchild, now living in Denver, learned nearly seven years ago she had a gay son.

"When he told me, I felt like it was the end of the world. I did think that was one of the worst things that could happen," she said. "It made me sick for weeks, carrying this secret around.”

She gradually came to terms with it and in 1974 organized Parents of Gays in Washington, D.C. The organization now has more than 30 chapters around the country.

Another mother, who lives in New England, said that when her son told her he was homosexual, “I had to go to the dictionary to look it up." She has not spoken to him since.

"Parents are perhaps the most isolated," Silverstein notes. "They have no one to go to. You can't tell the relatives. You can't tell the neighbors. You would not believe how important the neighbors are to some people."

Silverstein is the author of “A · Family Matter," a book written expressly for parents coming to terms with a homosexual child.

He advocates a careful and cautious "coming out," a phrase used by gays to indicate a new openness about their sexual preference, but he readily admits it may not be the best idea in some families.

"Families carry all sorts of se-

crets," he said. "Telling them could trigger the old responsibility game. Who is to blame for this? The husband may think the wife has made the child gay."

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The American Psychiatric Association no longer labels homosexuality a sickness, and most programs emphasize parental support and love, regardless of whether they approve or accept the son or daughter's lifestyle. Many psychologists agree that discussion greater public of homosexuality has made it easier to bring up the once-taboo subject and to reduce hostility between parent and child. A new generation of homosexuals who refuse to hide also is credited with causing many parents to re-think their values.

"People are changing for the better." said Silverstein. "And many gays are helping with their honesty and their patience."